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defective

This may not be the best time to be writing this, at roughly midnight, but I don't think I can sleep until I finally let this out.

I don't know if this is a cry for help, or the fact somehow, somewhere I need to let these dark thoughts of my mind. Dark whispers of lacking, failing. maybe borderline depression. It could be the change of seasons but it has been building for a while.

I feel a hollowness in my chest, something deep, something unrelenting. It is spreading breaking me, making me feel defective. As if all my emotions are just being cleared away one by one. There was a time, where I thought I had to be strong, unbreakable, for many reasons. My sister's disappearance, my father's drug abuse and adultery, unstable home, a poor home, a life of being one the targeted for sneers and attacks all before the age of ten. By then I knew people, I knew their evil, I knew their darkness. Yet I pushed forward, I pushed I heaved, I clawed and I climbed. I never attempted greatness, I believed I could but honestly I lacked the drive. My world changed from the horrible little desert town of Hemet to the humid summer air of Montana.

My drive to achieve never showed but for the first time...I understood friendship, understood love of a friend. I also found out this is where my understanding of things changed. My body changed, my mind changed, something in my changed. From there I moved to where I am now, and I grew, I knew though in my life I will fade in and out of people's lives. It would not be of my will but of theirs. That is after all my fate, to help and fade when they no longer need me. Maybe that is why I wanted so badly to go into anthropology, the dead will always be there, they will indeed never leave you.

Middle school, high school, neither too pleasant or unpleasant passed. I thought that maybe there would be a life I would not be expendable to. I was proved wrong last summer. I felt it, I could see it coming, my heart was screaming no, god no, and even as I sat with her crying my eyes out, trying to be strong, and her comforting words trying to tell me otherwise. I knew. I knew the first night. It sucks knowing things like this.

now, it is tonight as I write this. I looked at my childhood pictures, I saw a strong smile, a true smile. Something that today I would never be able to do. It all seems so forced, and now, I feel defective as a human. Love....can I still feel it? I think of it, trying to remember what it felt like to be loved, and I find nothing. I know what it looks like...I can hear it in tones of voices but not in my own. It is like i'm drowning in my own personal hell. I claw at the never ending darkness but I can't seem to totally pull myself out. My hand reaches but never far enough to let anyone, someone, know I'm choking. Because I'm scared they'll know I'm defective.

I tell myself I'm suppose to be strong, that I can't crumble, but now as I look around, I have no reason to. In the past I had a reason, but now there is none. Save for the times I am out with people, I can plaster on a pleasant smile, I can laugh, but at the same time...its hallow. shallow. I never bitch about my hard life, because I do not want pity. I do not want people to know my personal hell that I have been living for my young years until I finally found something to make me have strength. Yet as I sit here, my tears staining my cheeks, I feel weak. Weaker then I have ever felt. alone for the first time in years. How does one with pride reach out for help? what is the right type of help anyways? pity and hugs won't cure this darkness, because once the front is back in place it will still be there. Pills? I do not trust those. failure, defective still rings loudly in my ears. even now as i write, i yell at myself for it, why put this on the internet for the world to see? do you want their pity, after you spent so many days, months, years, shielding yourself telling yourself you are strong enough, they think you are strong enough, you can't break.

but I'm broken.

over what?

I do not know.

the argument swirls in my head over and over, always circling itself, with no conclusion.

I just...for once......do not want to be strong, just once......have someone to lean on. someone I can crumble and feel...it is alright, they are here, they can help me stand once more, be strong again. I'm tired of being strong.....or at least outwardly strong. I just want to know that I have someone to catch me should I stumble, fall, cry, but of course that is what everyone wants......and I always try to be that person.

choking. coughing. I'm tired. so tired. yet...part of me screams to push forward. maybe its not me, but my adviser. that voice that always seems to keep me alive. the drive to when I should be in a seize on the floor with low blood sugar, makes me stand, and eat, even when my brain is a world of fog and my limbs feel heavy. It tells me to live, and I do so.

I think I got most of it out, not sure if I feel better, its mostly all jibberish anyways.

bi yearly update it seems

Well here is the update

Currently still in Jr. College waiting to hear back from long beach state so I can finally start my upper div. classes. This waiting thing is killing me! applied Oct 1fst and still forced to wait. (it royally sucks.)

The trip to NYC was fun last summer, I enjoyed most of it, some of it was stressful though. I won't get into the details here though. On the brighter side I will be going back again to visit a friend and then family. Weee...another week with grandpa, good times but still makes me wanna pull out my hair at others.

Everything else besides that is good, trying to be more social and as I do....my free me time vanishes. Irony right?

oh I got a bird too, he is cute and I <3.

Lets see anything else...nope not really.

Well it has been a while huh?

Well it has been a while since my 21 b-day post huh? Well I'm still alive and thats something.

Zoology is a HELLISH HORRIBLE class, but over all fun if I weren't tested on it. Hopefully I'll survive and pass with a C......fingers crossed.

I'm 21 now, and so far I can hold what I can drink fairly well, it is in the end my sugar that kicks my ass.

I went to NY over the summer, saw a few friends, and well.....the drama around that was just guh. Note to self I really need to talk to one of them... *stares at phone* I'm going back to NY summer of 09 to visit My Tracy and my grandpopi again. I plan on dragging Tracy to go see either Little Mermaid on Broadway or Sherk(sp?)I just saw a performance of it on the today show.....and it looks nth times funnier then Little mermaid. so we'll figure it out when i get there haha, or it gets closer.

Taking Japanese next semester for fun and I also ran out of classes to take, so it is time for something to review instead of new YAY!

lets see, I never want to see another muscle again. stupid zoo.

I have 3 Dollies and when they are all in semi nice clothes I will be taking pictures of them. (project over winter break)

Cleaning house....making it look nice for a change.

Passing Zoo final on thrusday........ god help me

Getting into Long beach state,

I have my AA woo!

what else?

Find a boyfriend, but thats not a must have, it is I would very much like my own personal space heater haha and see what is so great about dating.

and thats about all that is new other then me (trying) to write a new novel/story 30 some pages in and stopped for the sake of passing zoo. See how my life is eaten up by this class? it is EVIL.

okay the end

going to new york!

Well as slow as i may be.......not much has happened until now. My plans for summer are...

21st birthday! That means wine tasting with mom and aunts~

A small party with friends around then

Going on my b-day to hang out with friends before b-day dinner with mom.

---July 13 to the 15

Los Vegas baby! Going with a group to stay at the MGM hotel.

---Aug 9 to the 23rd this is my big trip! To NYC and Jersey!

so far this is the plan, since I have an over night flight i'll land at 6:30 am in JFK and I will need to be picked up or bussed to my Grandfathers in Westwood NJ. I'm gonna stay with grandpa until wed morning take a bus to Helens and Mikes stay with them until friday, Go visit my Tray-kins from friday mid morning/noon to sunday mid morning noon. Go Back to Helen's and Mikes until wed(three days?)leave wed to visit the rest of the time with grandpa until sat 23rd and then fly home. It will be a busy fast two weeks but I think I am going to have a HUGE blast. I really can't wait! seriously.....I've been saving and planning for two months LOL. Two more to go muahahha.

Some changes that need to be made

Today, at work I came to realize something, something very important I’ve been slowly coming to terms with. For one, I need to quit star bucks all I do there is just get flack but that is my own fault for not trying harder to appear smarter. In reality, I’m surrounded by big egos so I shrunk myself a bit so that it would be easier to fit in, be an ear, a smile, a dopy laugh, but I’m sick of it.

When I tell them I only want to work 15-20 hours or even 3-2 days it is because I am sick of them. Not because I don’t want to work, I just don’t want to work -there- with them. I don’t want to deal with it, in the end it just makes me tired. Its to a point I just don’t want to try anymore and frankly its just coffee. It is time for me to move on with my life. I will not allow myself to be chained down. I never have and honestly never will.

The second thing I realized is that, the one I’m waiting for isn’t coming. For a long time I thought if I waited and looked, that I would find him. My heart would lead me to him, but its been over 6 years since I made that vow and still no where to be found. I recently cut my hair, this is a start of a new me. I’m not going to wait any longer, I’m no longer going to be weak. I’m going to grow up and stop wishing; instead I’m going to make my wish into a reality.

this is after all my reslove.
well I got my work cut out for me for school project but its gonna be fun.

For week one of my abnormal pysch experiment I will be dressed in total goth loli. In this week I'll be passing out survays to random people(25) and set up a graph to their replies. I will also be reporting on how I feel dressed up in said out fit

Next week will be formal buiness attire. repeating said steps above

The week after will be normal or something more random

last week will be a lolita dress.

I will be writing a 5 page paper on the reactions of people I hand out the survays too and the general group feel of me breaking the soical norms.

On the plus side Tray is making me Kitty wears to go with my lolita outfit! I'm sooooooooo happy! I can't wait to get them, got that Tray ;o; I wants them!

on other news classes are going okay got my grade print out 2cs the rest Bs studying my butt off this semseter to keep them all Bs *crosses fingers*

The Leosce RP ( http://z8.invisionfree.com/Leosce/index.php ) is going well picking up pace again. I almost if not all have the oldies I wanted to put in, in.

Out of all the oldies Touji is my face /sigh I didn't know how much I missed him until I started to play him again. He is so much fun. (he is the younger version of Reli, but more I hate the world x.x because...he does) /hmm

thats about it i guess o.o ntohing else new to update with. woota school and work...blah.
Stolen from Sam

1. Do you have a tattoo?
2. How old are you?
3. Are you single or taken?
4. Fish?
5. Do you dream in color?
6. Ever seen a corpse?
7. Hipsters or Hillbillies?
8. How did we meet?
9. What's your philosophy on life and death?
10. If you could do anything with me, and have no one know, what would it be?
11. Do you trust the police?
12. Do you like musicals?
13. What is your fondest memory of me?
14. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be?
15. Would you cheat ?
16. What are you wearing?
17. Have you ever peed in a pool?
18. Would you hide evidence for me if I asked you to?
19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
20. Which do you prefer - short or long hair?
21. What's your favorite day of the week?
22. What's your favorite color?
23. If you could bring back anyone that has passed, who would it be?
24. Tell me one interesting/odd fact about you?
25. What was your first impression of me?
26. Have you ever done drugs?
27. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?

times change, get with it I guess?

well, I'll leave her unknown as subject A, however I beleive she is the prefect canadate to try a new talk tharapy with. As we have seen the times have changed and more and more people relate better to the online world, while I can't say any of my(Or my friend's Helen) new way of talk tharapy I do say it has ALOT of promise.

i'm actaully going to talk to my partern in crime for the idea and hopefully slipt the reserach since we can't test it on monkeys or animals first. We're hopeing we can each do something on it for our Thesis paper so its alot of Hushhush at the moment. Yet again it has alot of promise, I just hope we don't screw up, but Subject A has agreed to be at least my test subject. We or I have to set up some controled sistuation but again i'm really excited about this for various reasons, none of which I can say. Again Hush-hush.

In the tharapy i want to help her through her issues of abandomemnt and the beleif she is not 'enough' or not good enough so to speak. If it works or starts to show promise (and after looking around to make sure no one thought of it first....) I really think we got something that could change the way of talk therapy. I know we are going to need others to cement our findings (yay Stats only way to prove stuff) but may as well start now? I have......6ish+ years to go through still to fine tune it to be nearly 800 pages. Yay thesis papers. okay thats about all

Date? not date? outting? wtf

well i have an as I would say it, 'understood' date with Mr. Ryan tonight. I really should learn his last name. Is it sad I have no interest in last names? I mean if I was in a Japan like culture that would be differnt since they ID you by your last name. Menzel-san would be my name haha funny. Anyways, I found out his age and I can't say that I'm well happy about it, nothing bad its just nine years apart. While not bad when I'm 30, its bad when I'm 20 and he is 29. THat just sounds wrong stupid mental stigma.

I was going to do a date group movie thing on sat after work but because he has work that night it was a no go. So, he asked about friday night and I (for various reasons and I can't lie well in person, and my co-worker was giving me a dirty look if I didn't say yes) I agreed. I'm a bit nervous since it won't be on 'my truff'. The last two places we went out have been in 'my city' My 'area' and my 'terms' its my little protective bubble. Yay me and paranoia. It doesn't help that i did a card reading for Helen and since our lives tend to shadow and blend into one another it was a bright freshing red warning signs to be wary of Mr. prefect knightly/princly types. And guess what? ryan is a very knightly like gentlemen go figure. I promised her to be on my toes and I will be, nice casual clothes so I don't look like a slob but nothing 'tempting' and the lines will be very well drawn. I'm not going to let him pay this time(yay the act of resoproscity or in other words 'putting out' I aint be putting out it would be over my head lifeless body)

Its strange I think he is gifted some how, or messes/messed around with something. Those people just have a look some how (easy to pick them out, I'm sure I'm like that to others) yet there is something dangerous? I'm not sure what yet it makes me curious drawn to the fire so to speak. I want to see what he can do and what he is capiable of pyshically, mentally, and if he is gifted just with what. He is the first person I can't read clearly his emotions, I just get this fuzzy blankness. Its quiet when I'm with him. When I touch him its something soothing like things around me get a bit less noisy and I don't feel outside the bubble around him. Yet, I can't get his eyes out of my mind, it may sound like a cheep romance book but they are gentle but burn with something yes, like coals in a dying fire warm tempting but it will still hurt if you go and hold it. I will admit one thing, his body is fine. Trim, strong, smooth and hard as a rock. Apart of me can't wait to get him out of my life like he is going to set forth a set of events I will not longer have control on. I've never been like this with other guys, the pull of fate was really strong, so I have to wait and see why after that I think I won't be worrying about him any more.

well thats it.

break ups all around

my god I just talked to my friend today being the piller of support for her. this makes for the 3rd break up this summer of the long term relationships. I feel so bad and I want to kill the little dick sucking fuck wad. I think and so does she, the main reason why they broke up is because she didn't want to have sex until they were(or she was at some point) at least asked to be wed. you know marriage matieral sort of bit, and clearly he wasn't. Now her whole self esteem is out of wack. I told her that having a guy is not a need, it is a want. You don't need a guy to have self esteem, to be strong, to be who you are. I got to make sure she understands this I think. I think in a selfish way it has re-set our friendship. I'm glad since she started to date mr. dickwad she has be focused on him and the only time she could get out in HS was spend time with him. But she could have choosen ANYONE she is a great smart funny, beautiful girl who doesn't need a guy and needs to realize that I think. I'm ranting now haha. I think though most of her friends will be glad they broke up, I just wished she did the breaking.

Beyond that I have a crush and he is moving to Chicago. He is PREFECT, smart, funny, a book lover, NOT an anime geek, wants to be a cop, loves to write, writing a book, is fine with playing a few fighter sims, taller then me, LOOKS GREAT, cute little facial hair, and he is moving. Why does god drop mr. prefect then rip him away in a few months. /sigh stupid fate.