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weee update time

So, I realized I need to work on writing and reading more.

I also have to get myself to care. The more I think of something the less I care.

For a while, this was a growing problem as little by little I just stop caring.

I've stop caring about lot of things.

The only things I -do- care about, are life goals that make sure I'll have a roof over my head and food in my belly. I've let my writing go down the tubes more and more, because I really don't care about editing.

In the end, I'm feeling like a hallowed out drum, a husk of a human moving and talking on how people want me to.

and I tell myself to care, that I feel this way. If I didn't tell myself this...I may end up not caring who I am becoming.

Sad thing is, I'm tired of caring. It's true I've made friends but I haven't let them near 'me' as a person. I just want to stop feeling like a robot, and yet I don't know how to. I'm stuck slowly turning into someone I don't know and don't want to be.

Maybe moving on with my life at CSUF, will pick up my spirits and guide me to be someone better. I need to re-find my reason for existence. It is time get off this dirt road and back to the main road of my life.

on another note, side Journal will be

silent_bl00d

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
davennashi
Aug. 6th, 2010 07:05 pm (UTC)
Hey, sorry I haven't IMed you in awhile. I've been caught up int he new job and just coming home feeling too brain-baked to carry on a normal conversation. =\ *hasn't even been on RO, either* Hopefully, I'll start settling back into a routine and I'll readjust myself to be able to do 2+2 by the time I come home.

The thing you have to realize is to be yourself, not what everyone is or likes or doing. It's ok to go "I don't really like that/I'm not into that", even if it's what everyone else is into or likes. Just like I don't always like whats popular or whats awesome these days (sorry Gundam =x too political for me =x)... so I don't force myself. Try it, yes, but force it down my own throat if I don't like it, no... and that's perfectly ok for people to do.

You gotta be able to listen to yourself.

Honestly, knowing you since you were in..... 6th? 7th? (*stabs memory*) grade, your writing is better than it was.
I can't say you 'don't care' - caring would spur emotions. You cared about all the junk with Helen (and to be honest, it's fine to let go of something in this situation... theres nothing you can do, as she did it all to herself/burned her own bridges) - you care about your mom and about your grades... and I know for a fact that if I really had some sort of fan hitting shit moment, you would be there (or try to be).

I really think 'not caring' is more like 'if I get fired, so what; if I fail out of college, so what; if I get kicked out of my house, I'll just go here so what'. But you do care. You care about your health, your classes, your family and roof over your head...

Don't let the seasons get to you - I've noticed - as well as we talked about - that you go off and on with the time of year.

You can IM me whenever - work here uses AIM instead of MSN as normal communication (for whatever retarded reason o_O *three jobs of using MSN as their communication, prior...*), and quite honestly, this crap is pretty damn boring. Can't youtube or look at lots of pics though, cause no more cubicle for me /tear

*hugs* Also, I'm glad you want to turn your life for the better. But there's more to you then I think you realize.

(OH, and I got a new place in Chinatown to take you - Japanese deli +_+ *Nomming on her strawberry milk daifuku as she speaks... er types* +.+
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