testing to see which code words for posting videos here hmm...

its true HighSchool never ends LOL

in a mildly obsessive FMP mood.

This may not be the best time to be writing this, at roughly midnight, but I don't think I can sleep until I finally let this out.

I don't know if this is a cry for help, or the fact somehow, somewhere I need to let these dark thoughts of my mind. Dark whispers of lacking, failing. maybe borderline depression. It could be the change of seasons but it has been building for a while.

I feel a hollowness in my chest, something deep, something unrelenting. It is spreading breaking me, making me feel defective. As if all my emotions are just being cleared away one by one. There was a time, where I thought I had to be strong, unbreakable, for many reasons. My sister's disappearance, my father's drug abuse and adultery, unstable home, a poor home, a life of being one the targeted for sneers and attacks all before the age of ten. By then I knew people, I knew their evil, I knew their darkness. Yet I pushed forward, I pushed I heaved, I clawed and I climbed. I never attempted greatness, I believed I could but honestly I lacked the drive. My world changed from the horrible little desert town of Hemet to the humid summer air of Montana.

My drive to achieve never showed but for the first time...I understood friendship, understood love of a friend. I also found out this is where my understanding of things changed. My body changed, my mind changed, something in my changed. From there I moved to where I am now, and I grew, I knew though in my life I will fade in and out of people's lives. It would not be of my will but of theirs. That is after all my fate, to help and fade when they no longer need me. Maybe that is why I wanted so badly to go into anthropology, the dead will always be there, they will indeed never leave you.

Middle school, high school, neither too pleasant or unpleasant passed. I thought that maybe there would be a life I would not be expendable to. I was proved wrong last summer. I felt it, I could see it coming, my heart was screaming no, god no, and even as I sat with her crying my eyes out, trying to be strong, and her comforting words trying to tell me otherwise. I knew. I knew the first night. It sucks knowing things like this.

now, it is tonight as I write this. I looked at my childhood pictures, I saw a strong smile, a true smile. Something that today I would never be able to do. It all seems so forced, and now, I feel defective as a human. Love....can I still feel it? I think of it, trying to remember what it felt like to be loved, and I find nothing. I know what it looks like...I can hear it in tones of voices but not in my own. It is like i'm drowning in my own personal hell. I claw at the never ending darkness but I can't seem to totally pull myself out. My hand reaches but never far enough to let anyone, someone, know I'm choking. Because I'm scared they'll know I'm defective.

I tell myself I'm suppose to be strong, that I can't crumble, but now as I look around, I have no reason to. In the past I had a reason, but now there is none. Save for the times I am out with people, I can plaster on a pleasant smile, I can laugh, but at the same time...its hallow. shallow. I never bitch about my hard life, because I do not want pity. I do not want people to know my personal hell that I have been living for my young years until I finally found something to make me have strength. Yet as I sit here, my tears staining my cheeks, I feel weak. Weaker then I have ever felt. alone for the first time in years. How does one with pride reach out for help? what is the right type of help anyways? pity and hugs won't cure this darkness, because once the front is back in place it will still be there. Pills? I do not trust those. failure, defective still rings loudly in my ears. even now as i write, i yell at myself for it, why put this on the internet for the world to see? do you want their pity, after you spent so many days, months, years, shielding yourself telling yourself you are strong enough, they think you are strong enough, you can't break.

but I'm broken.

over what?

I do not know.

the argument swirls in my head over and over, always circling itself, with no conclusion.

I just...for once......do not want to be strong, just once......have someone to lean on. someone I can crumble and feel...it is alright, they are here, they can help me stand once more, be strong again. I'm tired of being strong.....or at least outwardly strong. I just want to know that I have someone to catch me should I stumble, fall, cry, but of course that is what everyone wants......and I always try to be that person.

choking. coughing. I'm tired. so tired. yet...part of me screams to push forward. maybe its not me, but my adviser. that voice that always seems to keep me alive. the drive to when I should be in a seize on the floor with low blood sugar, makes me stand, and eat, even when my brain is a world of fog and my limbs feel heavy. It tells me to live, and I do so.

I think I got most of it out, not sure if I feel better, its mostly all jibberish anyways.

Well here is the update

Currently still in Jr. College waiting to hear back from long beach state so I can finally start my upper div. classes. This waiting thing is killing me! applied Oct 1fst and still forced to wait. (it royally sucks.)

The trip to NYC was fun last summer, I enjoyed most of it, some of it was stressful though. I won't get into the details here though. On the brighter side I will be going back again to visit a friend and then family. Weee...another week with grandpa, good times but still makes me wanna pull out my hair at others.

Everything else besides that is good, trying to be more social and as I do....my free me time vanishes. Irony right?

oh I got a bird too, he is cute and I <3.

Lets see anything else...nope not really.

Well it has been a while since my 21 b-day post huh? Well I'm still alive and thats something.

Zoology is a HELLISH HORRIBLE class, but over all fun if I weren't tested on it. Hopefully I'll survive and pass with a C......fingers crossed.

I'm 21 now, and so far I can hold what I can drink fairly well, it is in the end my sugar that kicks my ass.

I went to NY over the summer, saw a few friends, and well.....the drama around that was just guh. Note to self I really need to talk to one of them... *stares at phone* I'm going back to NY summer of 09 to visit My Tracy and my grandpopi again. I plan on dragging Tracy to go see either Little Mermaid on Broadway or Sherk(sp?)I just saw a performance of it on the today show.....and it looks nth times funnier then Little mermaid. so we'll figure it out when i get there haha, or it gets closer.

Taking Japanese next semester for fun and I also ran out of classes to take, so it is time for something to review instead of new YAY!

lets see, I never want to see another muscle again. stupid zoo.

I have 3 Dollies and when they are all in semi nice clothes I will be taking pictures of them. (project over winter break)

Cleaning house....making it look nice for a change.

Passing Zoo final on thrusday........ god help me

Getting into Long beach state,

I have my AA woo!

what else?

Find a boyfriend, but thats not a must have, it is I would very much like my own personal space heater haha and see what is so great about dating.

and thats about all that is new other then me (trying) to write a new novel/story 30 some pages in and stopped for the sake of passing zoo. See how my life is eaten up by this class? it is EVIL.

okay the end

Well as slow as i may be.......not much has happened until now. My plans for summer are...

21st birthday! That means wine tasting with mom and aunts~

A small party with friends around then

Going on my b-day to hang out with friends before b-day dinner with mom.

---July 13 to the 15

Los Vegas baby! Going with a group to stay at the MGM hotel.

---Aug 9 to the 23rd this is my big trip! To NYC and Jersey!

so far this is the plan, since I have an over night flight i'll land at 6:30 am in JFK and I will need to be picked up or bussed to my Grandfathers in Westwood NJ. I'm gonna stay with grandpa until wed morning take a bus to Helens and Mikes stay with them until friday, Go visit my Tray-kins from friday mid morning/noon to sunday mid morning noon. Go Back to Helen's and Mikes until wed(three days?)leave wed to visit the rest of the time with grandpa until sat 23rd and then fly home. It will be a busy fast two weeks but I think I am going to have a HUGE blast. I really can't wait! seriously.....I've been saving and planning for two months LOL. Two more to go muahahha.

Today, at work I came to realize something, something very important I’ve been slowly coming to terms with. For one, I need to quit star bucks all I do there is just get flack but that is my own fault for not trying harder to appear smarter. In reality, I’m surrounded by big egos so I shrunk myself a bit so that it would be easier to fit in, be an ear, a smile, a dopy laugh, but I’m sick of it.

When I tell them I only want to work 15-20 hours or even 3-2 days it is because I am sick of them. Not because I don’t want to work, I just don’t want to work -there- with them. I don’t want to deal with it, in the end it just makes me tired. Its to a point I just don’t want to try anymore and frankly its just coffee. It is time for me to move on with my life. I will not allow myself to be chained down. I never have and honestly never will.

The second thing I realized is that, the one I’m waiting for isn’t coming. For a long time I thought if I waited and looked, that I would find him. My heart would lead me to him, but its been over 6 years since I made that vow and still no where to be found. I recently cut my hair, this is a start of a new me. I’m not going to wait any longer, I’m no longer going to be weak. I’m going to grow up and stop wishing; instead I’m going to make my wish into a reality.

this is after all my reslove.

well I got my work cut out for me for school project but its gonna be fun.

For week one of my abnormal pysch experiment I will be dressed in total goth loli. In this week I'll be passing out survays to random people(25) and set up a graph to their replies. I will also be reporting on how I feel dressed up in said out fit

Next week will be formal buiness attire. repeating said steps above

The week after will be normal or something more random

last week will be a lolita dress.

I will be writing a 5 page paper on the reactions of people I hand out the survays too and the general group feel of me breaking the soical norms.

On the plus side Tray is making me Kitty wears to go with my lolita outfit! I'm sooooooooo happy! I can't wait to get them, got that Tray ;o; I wants them!

on other news classes are going okay got my grade print out 2cs the rest Bs studying my butt off this semseter to keep them all Bs *crosses fingers*

The Leosce RP ( http://z8.invisionfree.com/Leosce/index.php ) is going well picking up pace again. I almost if not all have the oldies I wanted to put in, in.

Out of all the oldies Touji is my face /sigh I didn't know how much I missed him until I started to play him again. He is so much fun. (he is the younger version of Reli, but more I hate the world x.x because...he does) /hmm

thats about it i guess o.o ntohing else new to update with. woota school and work...blah.

Stolen from Sam

1. Do you have a tattoo?
2. How old are you?
3. Are you single or taken?
4. Fish?
5. Do you dream in color?
6. Ever seen a corpse?
7. Hipsters or Hillbillies?
8. How did we meet?
9. What's your philosophy on life and death?
10. If you could do anything with me, and have no one know, what would it be?
11. Do you trust the police?
12. Do you like musicals?
13. What is your fondest memory of me?
14. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be?
15. Would you cheat ?
16. What are you wearing?
17. Have you ever peed in a pool?
18. Would you hide evidence for me if I asked you to?
19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
20. Which do you prefer - short or long hair?
21. What's your favorite day of the week?
22. What's your favorite color?
23. If you could bring back anyone that has passed, who would it be?
24. Tell me one interesting/odd fact about you?
25. What was your first impression of me?
26. Have you ever done drugs?
27. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?

well, I'll leave her unknown as subject A, however I beleive she is the prefect canadate to try a new talk tharapy with. As we have seen the times have changed and more and more people relate better to the online world, while I can't say any of my(Or my friend's Helen) new way of talk tharapy I do say it has ALOT of promise.

i'm actaully going to talk to my partern in crime for the idea and hopefully slipt the reserach since we can't test it on monkeys or animals first. We're hopeing we can each do something on it for our Thesis paper so its alot of Hushhush at the moment. Yet again it has alot of promise, I just hope we don't screw up, but Subject A has agreed to be at least my test subject. We or I have to set up some controled sistuation but again i'm really excited about this for various reasons, none of which I can say. Again Hush-hush.

In the tharapy i want to help her through her issues of abandomemnt and the beleif she is not 'enough' or not good enough so to speak. If it works or starts to show promise (and after looking around to make sure no one thought of it first....) I really think we got something that could change the way of talk therapy. I know we are going to need others to cement our findings (yay Stats only way to prove stuff) but may as well start now? I have......6ish+ years to go through still to fine tune it to be nearly 800 pages. Yay thesis papers. okay thats about all

well i have an as I would say it, 'understood' date with Mr. Ryan tonight. I really should learn his last name. Is it sad I have no interest in last names? I mean if I was in a Japan like culture that would be differnt since they ID you by your last name. Menzel-san would be my name haha funny. Anyways, I found out his age and I can't say that I'm well happy about it, nothing bad its just nine years apart. While not bad when I'm 30, its bad when I'm 20 and he is 29. THat just sounds wrong stupid mental stigma.

I was going to do a date group movie thing on sat after work but because he has work that night it was a no go. So, he asked about friday night and I (for various reasons and I can't lie well in person, and my co-worker was giving me a dirty look if I didn't say yes) I agreed. I'm a bit nervous since it won't be on 'my truff'. The last two places we went out have been in 'my city' My 'area' and my 'terms' its my little protective bubble. Yay me and paranoia. It doesn't help that i did a card reading for Helen and since our lives tend to shadow and blend into one another it was a bright freshing red warning signs to be wary of Mr. prefect knightly/princly types. And guess what? ryan is a very knightly like gentlemen go figure. I promised her to be on my toes and I will be, nice casual clothes so I don't look like a slob but nothing 'tempting' and the lines will be very well drawn. I'm not going to let him pay this time(yay the act of resoproscity or in other words 'putting out' I aint be putting out it would be over my head lifeless body)

Its strange I think he is gifted some how, or messes/messed around with something. Those people just have a look some how (easy to pick them out, I'm sure I'm like that to others) yet there is something dangerous? I'm not sure what yet it makes me curious drawn to the fire so to speak. I want to see what he can do and what he is capiable of pyshically, mentally, and if he is gifted just with what. He is the first person I can't read clearly his emotions, I just get this fuzzy blankness. Its quiet when I'm with him. When I touch him its something soothing like things around me get a bit less noisy and I don't feel outside the bubble around him. Yet, I can't get his eyes out of my mind, it may sound like a cheep romance book but they are gentle but burn with something yes, like coals in a dying fire warm tempting but it will still hurt if you go and hold it. I will admit one thing, his body is fine. Trim, strong, smooth and hard as a rock. Apart of me can't wait to get him out of my life like he is going to set forth a set of events I will not longer have control on. I've never been like this with other guys, the pull of fate was really strong, so I have to wait and see why after that I think I won't be worrying about him any more.

well thats it.

my god I just talked to my friend today being the piller of support for her. this makes for the 3rd break up this summer of the long term relationships. I feel so bad and I want to kill the little dick sucking fuck wad. I think and so does she, the main reason why they broke up is because she didn't want to have sex until they were(or she was at some point) at least asked to be wed. you know marriage matieral sort of bit, and clearly he wasn't. Now her whole self esteem is out of wack. I told her that having a guy is not a need, it is a want. You don't need a guy to have self esteem, to be strong, to be who you are. I got to make sure she understands this I think. I think in a selfish way it has re-set our friendship. I'm glad since she started to date mr. dickwad she has be focused on him and the only time she could get out in HS was spend time with him. But she could have choosen ANYONE she is a great smart funny, beautiful girl who doesn't need a guy and needs to realize that I think. I'm ranting now haha. I think though most of her friends will be glad they broke up, I just wished she did the breaking.

Beyond that I have a crush and he is moving to Chicago. He is PREFECT, smart, funny, a book lover, NOT an anime geek, wants to be a cop, loves to write, writing a book, is fine with playing a few fighter sims, taller then me, LOOKS GREAT, cute little facial hair, and he is moving. Why does god drop mr. prefect then rip him away in a few months. /sigh stupid fate.

I think, when I asked the great spirits for a boyfriend they decided to play some sick joke on me. Normally you don't hear girls bitching they have trouble keeping guys from not liking her. Its normally the other way around.

I have this problem. Is it hard to ask for a little hight with my men? For them to be not booze happy? For them not to but extermly overweight and unhealthy and can barely keep up with me mentally?

I guess that order is a little hard for the great beyond to give me.

I mean, just tonight I meet up with my workmates off/on forever will be crush and his buddy I met at her party. I could tell he liked me since the party and the friend was playing a little match maker and well failing. I'm happy wtih being one of the guys but because I lack a dick and have boobs they tend to take it the wrong way.

Then I have my the guy from south america that I met on the bus Hip-hop dancer boy. He is cute sweet, a little foward but still sweet. I think he wants something soild and me? Kicks and giggles nothing serious.

wtf? I want to date my french boy, now he was hot, cute, and tall. Too bad he is on vacation and most likly won't call me. /sigh

I never had this problem in high school, I scared them all off. Stupid men I hang out with too not scareable.

Thing is, I'm not that pretty -_- what are these idiots seeing? I frump, maybe I should frump some more and smell bad.

I'm wrapping up my first year of Community College. If I'm lucky I will be done and gone from golden west in just one year. So this brings me to my choices of schools to transfer.

Thrusday I think I'm going to go to the transfer center and ask if my credits can transfer out of state. If its a yes, I gotta start looking into health care. As of right now if I can get health care coverage (that won't leave me crying in the corner because of cost and making most of my pay check go towards it) and -all- of my credits for my AA transfer, I will be heading to west virgina. I talked to helen about it and we most likly will end up buying a dinky two bed maybe one bath house together. (I pray only 50k with morage for 600 or less a month, slipt down the middle 300 a month) I would most likly car pool with her mum, and work as a bartender/waitress and work at starbucks. Down there I think I will need two jobs and if I get SB health care I will need it -_- here I come 40 hour work weeks and school weeeeeee!! I wouldn't mind being a daibetic if it weren't times like these. Stupid health care -_-

If that doesn't work out, I will end up staying here with Mum most likly and giong to one of two-ish schools.

Cal State Fullerton or Cal State Long beach. between the two if I get a choice I want CSF. THey have a good human surivaces program that teaches Pychgologist differnt ways to handle a problem.

From there I will go to alliant(sp?) university's grad program and get my PhD, if I am in WV dunno where I would go, Helen said there was one that gave PysD or Phds she wasn't sure. Anyways in five years I should be graduated and working for the millitary. I wonder if I can get stationed as a pyscholgist in Japan? Helen if you read this, what do you think? Japan? or Euro? or stay here on the home feild?

Life keeps rolling, and here I go along for the ride <3

Well life is a funny thing, when you want it to slow down it speeds up, and when its slow you want it to speed up.

in my second semseter of college wow. Stress with projects due left and right in about a month -_- stupid research projects.

Found an anime group I suppose at my work place. They are alright I get a bit...unsure around them. Its not like the group I had in highschool, which is now spread acrossed the globe. But, I have Cat, Heidi, and Irene here with me XD so thats good.

I'm working at starbucks and for the first time in five years going to the anime expo. Not too sure about it at the same time I want to go.

Orihime cosplay for the win!

well thats about all.

Name: Leosce
Genre: Multi Universe
Rating: PG13
Format: HTML chat room
Community Link: http://z8.invisionfree.com/Leosce/index.php?act=idx we will give you the website URL once we have accpected your application
Contact: Hunters_wanted@hotmail.com
Age/Audition Requirements: 15+
Further Info: This is an ever universe rpg! Want vampires? We got vampires. You want cute cat girls? We have cute cat girls. You want giant mecha? We have that too! We however we would like everyone to make up an original role but you can use people from animes as well.

Plot: The world is protect by an elite group called the Peace Keeper who come from all walks of life. Three years ago there was a huge war which caused the Peace Keepers member numbers to drop. Now they are accepting new Cadets so that they can rebuild their numbers. However, a dark wind is blowing and the villains who caused the war are once again growing in power. Will the new Cadets be ready?

What we need: We need Villains, bad/corrupt Cadets, or just evil people in general. However having a good guy is just as great too!

Guide to this universe:
http://z8.invisionfree.com/Leosce/index.php?showtopic=27&st=0&#last

To Register:
http://z8.invisionfree.com/Leosce/index.php?showforum=8

About: This is an ever universe rpg! It is brand new and opening her doors in one week for offical RPG time. you want vampires? We got vampires. You want cute cat girls? We have cute cat girls. You want gaint mecha? We have that too! We however want everyone to make up an oringal role but you can use people from animes as well.

Plot: The world is protect by an elite group called the Peace Keeper who come from all walks of life. Three years ago there was a huge war which caused the Peace Keepers member numbers to drop. Now they are accepting new Cadets so that they can rebuild their numbers. However, a dark wind is blowing and the villains who cause the war are once again growing in power. Will the new Cadets be ready?

What we need: We need Villains, bad/currupt Cadets, or just evil people in general. While goodguys are welcome as well the story won't go anywhere without some conflict.

Guide to this universe:
http://z8.invisionfree.com/Leosce/index.php?showtopic=27&st=0&#last

To Register:
http://z8.invisionfree.com/Leosce/index.php?showforum=8

wow been a longtime since I posted something here.......how strange.

As for what I am doing right now, working on a story actually. Its about... 8 pages in x.x yayness what? 192 to go? or just 92? how long will you be my noval?! I slowly peck away at it. +_+

Hmm Cleared Tales of the Abyss. Wow.... but lots of loopholes so its driving me insane trying to make sense +_+ *shakes fist at the PS2 game*

Newest realsed for Namco tales of studio this winter are

Tempest (DS)
World (PSP)
Tales of Destiny 1 (remake for the ps2)

OMFG World and Destiny are like freaking alsome. I hope to god Namco takes a break from this freaking naruto games and brings out these two soon. +_+ They -have- to.

Other then that started Rose Online again. Nothing but Loves there....and I am working at starbucks. God... this is this one guy that is really stressing me out. So what If I ask the same thing over I want to make freaking bloody sure I am doing it right. Ch' High stress guy that rubs off on me and messing with my swing of thing. =.= damn grump.

and thats all here. Peace out and happy holidays

Cranky bleah

I am worried about a friend of mine yet again, why is it I tend to see the worse? Or is it I am just trying to play hero. I don't know everyone else doesn't think it is a problem and yet, all I can see is the image in my head. I could be over acting but I don't know.

A friend of mine who last year would bring a lunch to school on most days isn't any more. Today, I tried to get her to eat something, she refused, I pushed, she refused, and when I tried a differnt food product she still refused. I chased her down and stuffed the snack food, into her hands. In turn she tells me she will just give it to another person.

She says she eats dinner and breakfast but how much?

Last year she went on a diet and I am not sure if she is still on that 'diet'

I hope I am not seeing things but her face looks thiner.

Frankly I am shocked no one noticed this, or I am just overacting and seeing things. To me friends are most improtant, and I am starting to think I am the only one throwing myself out infront of a moving train for them. Everyone is too wrapped up in their own selfish world and it is making me worry. I watch them and I am starting to tihnk we are becoming less human as we grow older now as well. Are we becoming deaf to cries of help? Or do we only see the person next to us and not everyone. My stomach is sick with these thoughts.

Really, people like holding on to their image never seeing or thinking there is a mask behind that cheerful face. Or a brain behind the dumb blond act. No one digs and gets dirty because they don't want to know, or don't care. So when something goes wrong they don't notice, well here I am mr. train roll me over yet again I am troubled.

Being Obsessed With Fanfiction takes years of work. Being Obsessed is... by kat_rp
stole it from antoher LJ posting to share >> LOL

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